I'm at a weird point in my life.
I've accomplished quite a few of the "life goals" that most people would say point to a successful existence. I survived my 20's. I've been married over a decade. I have a graduate degree in a field I found interesting. I am well-respected and decently accomplished in my hobby. I can cook. I'm pregnant with my first child.
But.
I always feel like a failure. Constantly falling just short of my goals. A financial disaster. Stuck in an unsatisfying career because I always ultimately make the safe choice. A disappointment as a person, a wife, a friend, a daughter. I've felt this way my whole life, and I guess that I expected that I'd feel a lot more settled by 32 than I actually do. I'm not sure if everyone feels this way or if it's just another way for me to fail. My brain can't even work right.
I started therapy back in the summer, and it's been both one of the best decisions I've made for myself, and the worst kind of grenade to throw into things when I'm most comfortable never making waves. I never realized how much my parents have negatively impacted me. My whole life, the narrative has been that I had an amazing childhood, with supporting parents that loved me no matter what, who gave me every opportunity to pursue my passions that was possible. And while some of that is true, my childhood was not perfect. And neither were my parents. As an adult, I do not feel very close to my parents, outside of what I think is typical love and affection. I don't dread their visits. They get along with my husband. But I am very uncomfortable with the idea of being vulnerable or admitting weakness or worry to them, because they always react negatively in ways that are hurtful. Sometimes I feel that they love the idea of who they want me to be, or think I am, more than the actual me. But maybe they don't really know me, because I won't let them. Don't want to give them more ammunition to hurt me.
My dad scared the crap out of me most of the time when I was a kid. I was afraid to make noise in the house, afraid of his anger, afraid of anything but calm and neutral. He had high expectations, and I wanted to please him and make him proud. I still do. He was a fun dad when he was in a good mood, and we did lots of fun stuff together. I have a lot of really good memories of fishing, hunting, horseback riding, and other stuff like that with him. He always says I can come to him for anything. But I would never do that. I will come to him for advice for not serious problems, or stuff like that, but I would never tell him in depth details about my life, relationship, etc. The idea of doing that makes me deeply uncomfortable. He slapped me in the face twelve years ago, in front of my mom and my now-husband, and everyone except my husband pretends like it never happened. Including me. Apparently, my dad convinced me that it was my fault. I don't really remember that, I just remember being shocked and hurt and angry. When I had a mental breakdown my last semester in grad school and didn't finish my thesis, I was able to return for one more semester to make up the credits. I still got the same degree, and ended up with a 3.97 GPA. My dad told me one night that fall that this was my last chance, that he wanted me to know I couldn't "fuck it up again." I honestly don't think any one thing that anyone has ever said to me has hurt me more. As if I didn't take it seriously, and was dicking around and partying or something, and that's what had happened. Not the most crippling, suffocating depressive episode of my goddamn life. When my whole world and identity seemed to be crumbling to dust in my fingers. But I'd better remember that this was my last chance! Fuck off.
Things with my mom are... okay. I'm not sure what she'd say if asked the same question about me. But we get along. We recently went on a huge road trip together to the BC nationals, and it was pretty good overall. She wanted to talk a lot about my pregnancy, but I was still so early on that I didn't feel comfortable getting attached. I don't trust when good things happen to me, ever. Maybe she thinks I'm cold or uninteresting, idk. I'm not afraid of her like I am my dad. We had kind of a tumultuous relationship when I was a teenager, like anyone else probably. Since then, we don't really fight, but she loves to lecture me about things. She is absolutely fixated on health and fitness and weight loss. It's been the main thing we've had in common this year, as I've lost 60 pounds. Well, before I got pregnant, lol. On the road trip, she was always watching what I eat and being judgmental. I found myself eating "bad" foods in secret just to avoid her knowing. That's not normal, is it? It feels normal. My husband always comments about how mean she is to me. I guess I don't really notice because it feels normal, too. I have major body image issues that I'm sure would have popped up to some degree anyways, but I can't deny that she played a major part in that.
A few days ago, something bad happened that I'm still not entirely about the reason why it ended up so badly. My husband and I are having a baby, which means that we will be without my income for awhile after the baby is born. This will be a big financial burden, one that stresses me out a LOT. Last year, when we bought our new house, my parents helped us out with some financial stuff. We are paying them back on a monthly basis. My husband asked about suspending our payments to them for a few months, until I could start working again. My parents FREAKED OUT. I don't understand why they were so angry. My mom told me to eat beans and ramen. I still haven't spoken to my dad. Am I the worst, most entitled daughter ever for not understanding why this made them so angry??? We have been on time with our payments to them every month since the initial agreement. We never asked to stop paying entirely. Just to put it on hold a few months to help lessen our financial hardship a bit while I am at home recovering from the birth of their only grandchild. I would have understood if they just said no. I would have understood if they wanted to discuss it further. But they were SO ANGRY and it became this huge deal that still doesn't feel entirely resolved. I feel really gross about it. My mom made me feel so very small.
Shame is the worst emotion, I'm convinced of it.
I just feel so upset about it still. It's not even about the money, it's about their reaction. It feels like they were just waiting for us to fuck it up. To try and take advantage of them or something. I dunno. Maybe that's just the pregnancy hormones talking, but I cried about it all day when it happened. I don't really know how to fix it or even how. But part of me just doesn't want to. Fuck it, we didn't do anything wrong. We are still holding up our end of the agreement. If they want to talk about it, why should I? They've never wanted to talk more about my dad clocking me in the face. Ugh. I just don't even know what to do. I just want things to be calm and normal again. I just want to be left alone and not made to feel sad and small and guilty. Like the fuck-up my inner voice always insists I am. Constantly.
I'm sure that all of this will calm down and be fine, and that it will all pass and fade into the distance with the passage of time. I'm sure that things will go back to the way they were. But I am sick of this weird dynamic with my parents where they treat me like they're just waiting for me to screw up. That I haven't lived up to my potential or something. All I've ever done is try to make them proud. They tell me they are, but at heart, I just really don't believe them. After all, actions speak louder than words.
I feel so guilty complaining about my parents. They have done a lot for me and are supportive in many ways. They aren't all bad. But it feels good to get off my chest these things that have bothered me for a very long time. I just am not sure what the solution is. Some days I can hardly breathe for the anxiety. Ugh. I hope this journal will help.
