Well, I've already fallen short of my goal of journaling every day, but it's all right. Today I feel pretty good. Last night, hubby and I went and did an escape room with four of our friends. We totally ROCKED it and finished with almost 13 minutes to spare! Quite a good way to start off the new year... with success! I hope that this is a good omen for the months to come. One thing that last night made clear to me was just how nice it is to have friends to do stuff with. I want to make more of an effort to do more stuff with other people and have more fun in social settings. My nature is to want to sit at home and isolate myself, but I don't think that does much to make me happier or more motivated.
New Years Resolutions for 2019 (not in any particular order):
1) Spend more time with friends and people in social settings
2) Less screen time!
3) Read at least two books per month
4) Walk the dogs at least five days per week
5) Write something at least five days per week, whether it's journaling or a project
6) Keep tabs on my sobriety, maybe ease into casual drinking after baby is born, maybe not.
7) Give birth to my son (yikes) and be kind to myself as I learn to be a mother. Find a routine that works for everybody.
8) Gossip less, and care less about what other people are doing/thinking/saying, whether it directly involves me or not.
9) Get better with saving money and spending less. Pay off some debt (amount tbd)
10) Achieve at least one goal in my hobby this spring, and one this fall.
11) Once the baby is born, go back to my previous eating habits, and add in more exercise.
12) Finish my romance novel before the baby is born.
I have found myself feeling pretty positive for the last few days. I don't know if it's the fresh start of a new year, the sunny weather (even though cold), or what... but I just feel less sad and depressed. The only thing is that I feel like I'm caught between worlds a bit. On the one hand, I have all my goals and dreams that I had before I got pregnant. Hobby dreams and plans that are SO CLOSE to coming to fruition after years of hard work, emotional and monetary investment, heartbreak, and pure persistence. Career dreams that I've never quite given up, in spite of what my actions would show. Travel aspirations. Everything seems weird now, knowing that I'm going to have a baby. My life will be so different. I know that my priorities will be different and I'll probably care less about all this other stuff. As it should be. But it feels a bit like my current self will die, and be replaced by my mother self. And I just hope that it doesn't happen entirely. I hope that I will still feel like me, and still want to do the things that are important to me now. People assume that the scariest thing about this whole experience, for me, is the idea of giving birth. Nope, it's this.
So it's put me in a strange place emotionally, where I feel driven to do things... but then I remember that I'm having a baby in June and it's like my brain makes that cartoon screeching brakes sound, lol. So it makes me less motivated to try and accomplish things this year when I realize that in just a few months, something new and all-consuming will (rightfully) have all my focus, attention, and drive. I guess I just need to figure out how to juggle everything together. Or at least figure out what is most important to me and make an effort to prioritize it alongside my child. It has to be possible, right? People have kids and do other stuff all the time. I just keep getting caught up on the worry that I won't care about anything I care about now, once the baby is born. And I'm scared about that. I guess I'll just have to figure that out as it happens.
There are lots of things I'm excited for when it comes to having a kid, of course. I'm excited to see what kind of person he is, what his personality is like, if he's anything like me. I'm really looking forward to doing tons of fun things with him, going places, meeting new people, seeing new things, experiencing it all through his perspective as he discovers the world. I can't wait to meet him. Now that I've gotten past (knock on wood) the riskiest part of my pregnancy in terms of miscarriage odds, it's exciting to think about the future. That in like five months, I'll be holding this little guy in my arms instead of in my belly. Really wild.
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